


The Stolen Glasses Shenanigans

by afterthree, thirty2flavors



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-03
Updated: 2008-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-05 00:44:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterthree/pseuds/afterthree, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirty2flavors/pseuds/thirty2flavors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If I promise never to try and flick ice-cubes down the front of your shirt again, can I have my glasses back?" Assorted MWPP-Era madness, letter-style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stolen Glasses Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> The following began innocently enough in the Unknowable Room forums as letters in the Owl Game thread which soon took on a terrifying crack!ficy life of their own and spun off into another thread. After much peer pressure (I am weak I tell you, just weak) I have finally collected the letters and posted them together as a single, group-authored fic. I have edited or removed letters only where they strayed too far from sense that they became confusing.
> 
> This fic is posted for and a result of the collaborative insanity of myself and some of my favourite people on the UR.org forum, including neverwiser , latine , kirrea , thirty2flavors , PirateSmile, kllrs, rubytuesday, lilydarling, and niki56.
> 
> I might have started it, but they took it and ran with it. Blame them.

  
Evans,

If I promise never to try and flick ice-cubes down the front of your shirt again, can I have my glasses back? Sirius and Peter have started steering me into walls.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans:

Seriously. Please give me my glasses back. I have bruises. And a Quidditch game tomorrow.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Potter:

Your glasses will not be returned until I see some sort of solid evidence that you've matured past the age of five and can be trusted with something like clear sight. Until that time, you should consider a pair of decent cushioning charms to dull the effects of walking into walls and tripping up staircases. I daresay your fan club is starting to go off you now you're covered in bruises.

L. Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily --

First and foremost, know that I write this entirely of my own volition, without any outside influence. Honestly.

I understand your severe displeasure with James' decision to use your chest as target practice for his (already rather honed) sense of aim. I respect your decision to teach him a lesson resultantly. And I admit that shepherding James into walls was, for a time, rather hilarious, because truly there is nothing funnier than taking advantage of your friend's blind (excuse the pun) faith in those around him.

However it has been FIVE DAYS and I think you are bordering on animal cruelty, Lily, really. Peter may still find it funny, but Sirius has adopted this "well that's what you get" sort of attitude and is refusing to be of any use, and James is INCREDIBLY irritable, and rightly so, because walking into walls for five days straight wold make most people irritable. That leaves me, Lily, as the voice of reason, and also as James' guide dog, which is not really a career I ever considered, though I thank you for providing me the opportunity to scratch it off my list forevermore.

It is really getting quite out of hand, and as the suffering third-party to this rather ridiculous argument, I have to ask that you consider a truce.

(At least take something less vital; James really is blind as a bat, you know. It's like in Scooby-Doo, when Velma drops her glasses and is out of commission for two hours. Only it's been five days and there is about to be some sort of mutiny in the Mystery Van.)

Sincerely,  
Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus:

Nice try. Potter's glasses are in a safe place and will stay there until I feel he has earned the right to have them back -- something that can't be done by an intermediary begging on his behalf. Tell him to have fun at his Quidditch game tomorrow. Can I expect you to be up there on a broom as well, guiding him to the goal hoops and catching the Quaffle for him?

I would suggest you not bother yourself making sure he gets around all right -- it's not you I wish to punish, purely Potter. It's not my fault you're a hopelessly nice person, Remus. But I'm done with Potter being an obnoxious, arrogant prick all the time, and if you're going to enable his phenomenally huge head, so be it. To be frank, that's your concern.

Lily

PS: You might want to let Potter know that randomly calling me a "bitch" and "evil bint" in the hallways and the common room at the top of his lungs is not the best way to ensure the quick return of his glasses. Perhaps something a little less dramatic is in order, hmm?

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily -

This is getting ridiculous. And after the fiasco at the match a few days ago, James is getting pretty unbearable. Are you going to make us all resort to begging?

\- Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Black:

Possibly.

Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily,

Years since I've enjoyed a Quidditch match as much as that one. Well done.

-Severus

  
:: :: ::

  
Snivellus,

That was Dark Magic and you know it. I swear I'm going to hex you so badly you won't be able to see past that epic nose of yours, just as soon as I get my damn glasses back. And yes, I am indeed threatening you with shampoo.

Potter

[as set down to record by R.J. Lupin]

  
:: :: ::

  
James -

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU CAN'T READ THIS. Oh it will never get old.

Well maybe. But not for a good 'nother week.

(If he asks, Moony, it's a note about how dreadfully sorry I am for his troubles.)

-Wormtail

  
:: :: ::

  
Peter -

He's making Sirius draw up a bath for him and I'm writing his will. This has to end.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T TALKED TO HER YET! BE ALL SWEET AND NAIVE AND ALL YOUR OTHER WORMTAIL SHIT AND TELL HER TO GIVE JAMES HIS DAMN GLASSES BACK! YOU'RE OUR LAST HOPE!

\- Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus,

She'd probably lighten up if we let him fall out a window or something. I'm beginning to think it might be worth a shot.

-Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius -

James would like me to inform you that he won't be talking to you for precisely three days. By the way, it was Wormtail who told him it was you. I thought you were joking about the window thing, but that was brilliant.

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus:

Good reflexes, stopping Potter like that -- your charm work is getting much better. I don't know whose idea it was to see how well he could fly without a broom, but good show never-the-less. I'm sure the only reason Potter is sour is because he couldn't see well enough to enjoy the ride. I don't think I've seen a chicken flap its wings as frantically as Potter flapped his arms.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily,

Er, due to some persistent begging from both Sirius and Remus, I've been asked to plead with you. Let me put this situation into some perspective for you: If Remus has to continue being James' personal scribe and seeing-eye dog, he's going to commit suicide. Sirius and I have been reduced to little better than his personal slaves, doing his homework, plumping his pillows, buying and setting off dungbombs to excuse his lack of activity. James himself is having a veritable tantrum because he missed a monthly Marauder ritual last night that none, and I repeat none, of us have ever had to miss before. If you haven't gotten this through your head yet, here's some news for you:

THIS ISN'T PUNISHING JAMES - IT'S PUNISHING EVERYONE WHO HAS THE MISFORTUNE TO CALL HIMSELF A MARAUDER.

Hope you're having a lovely day,  
Peter

  
:: :: ::

  
Pettigrew:

And explain to me how, exactly, punishing the Marauders as a whole is a bad or unfair thing, since I'm fairly sure Black was the one who put Potter up to the ice-cube throwing game, and you were quite obviously thrilled to be along for the ride. I suppose Remus had the decency to look embarrassed and might be excused some of the torment, but he's chosen to go it along with you and far be it for me to deprive him of this apparent delight. So far as I'm concerned, I'm quite happy to hang the lot of you right along side him.

Cheers.

L. Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus,

I'm starting to think this is Evans' cry for attention. Am considering going down to the kitchens for more ice cubes.

What do you think? I'll ask Wormtail.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Black -

That was not funny. I refuse to accept your apology and, for Lily's sake, sod off for a bit. Do you have any idea how close proximity our lips came when you pushed James into me? Neither of us are amused, and be assured that this has put a setback on Lily's return of the glasses.

Mary

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius,

With regards to your question: I think I am friends with idiots.

Sincerely,  
Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Black:

You'd think with the marks you get you might have something resembling a brain in that head of yours. Apparently not.

I can only surmise from your recent ice-cube related actions that you are jealous of Potter's current state and wish to join him. How lovely. As you can imagine, I am only so happy to oblige you.

Rest assured all your shoes have now joined Potter's glasses in a very safe place. I regret to inform you that your dorm-mates might be less than impressed with you, since I was forced to take all &lt;I&gt;their&lt;/i&gt; shoes as well, since I'm fairly sure you're all around the same size and it wouldn't do as a punishment if you could just borrow someone else's. I hope all your mothers regularly send you fresh socks -- you're going to need them.

Sincerely,

L.Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans:

Shoe theft, rather impressive. A drafty castle is not a welcome place to be without shoes; your sense of vindictiveness both surprises and impresses me. I would not have expected it of you, O Savior of All Things Great and Small.

That said, do let me know how your dormmates react to the recent and mysterious theft of their bras.

(Fire with fire, love.)

\- Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Black -

I guess you overlooked the fact that some of us wear sports bras to bed. Tough luck. By the way, please relay to Pettigrew that I'm really not interested, and intercepting my mail and holding my cat hostage is not something I find flattering. It's borderline stalker.

Mary

PS: Don't you dare let him near my bras.

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans,

I hereby revoke every compliment I have ever paid you. Clearly, you are the devil, and spending so much time in the company of one Severus Snape did irreversible damage.

Sincerely,  
James Potter

  
:: :: ::

  
Potter,

Considering that you are now the one sporting horns, I would say that you're looking more devilish at the moment, wouldn't you?

Smirking,  
Lily Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Miss Evans:

While the feminist in me loudly applauds your efforts to ensure fair treatment, I now must insist on the return of the Gryffindor Sixth-Year boys' shoes. Pettigrew has been to the Hospital Wing with a new foot-related injury every day since they were taken from him, and Madame Pomfrey is starting to become irritable at staff meetings and flinches every time she passes Pettigrew in the halls.

I also implore you to consider returning Potter's glasses sometime prior to the next Quidditch Match -- I can stomach quite a bit of entertainment, but allowing another crushing defeat -- especially to the Slytherins at the end of the month -- is against my more Gryffindor sensibilities. I am sure, if you and Miss Macdonald put your heads together, you could think up a suitable exchange for them in the next three weeks. My good humour in regards to this issue might not make it through another lost Quidditch Match.

Professor McGonagall

  
:: :: ::

  
Pettigrew,

Look, I'll find a way to get your trainers back to you if you stop charming those damn daisies to appear every time I sneeze. (Or, I might say, ask Potter or Black to stop. Didn't you get a D on Flitwick's last exam?) I don't know if you've realized, but I have an aversion to pollen and whenever they appear, I sneeze more, and how do you think it feels when this continues in a cycle until I am surrounded in flowers! Not "spiffingly corky," as your bloody friends have suggested!

MM

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

Kindly stop encouraging Peter in such asininely idiotic pursuits of epic proportions. My ears will never be the same again after the way Mary yelled her head off at me, the distinctly wrong culprit. I remind you that I have sensitive ears, and that if this so happens one more time, I will be forced to confiscate your Dungbombs, Filibuster's, Chocolate Frogs, sense of amusement, sense of living etc. AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO LIVE IN DESTITUTE BOREDOM,

Sincerely (Really, my sincerity and determination in this matter comes unmatched)  
Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Moony,

Couldn't you just lighten up?! Sirius went all white and shaky when he thought of what you might do to him.

God...  
Prongs

  
:: :: ::

  
Pete -

I am thoroughly offended that James is now using you as his scribe, especially after what happened with Mary MacDonald's bra two nights ago. That was disgusting, and I never want to witness anything like that again. The lucky bastard didn't have to. Please relay this information to him.

Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Wormtail --

Thanks to my having my glasses returned, I have now read all of the notes you sympathetically sent me in my period of loss. I just wanted to tell you something in return:

Run.

\-- Prongs

  
:: :: ::

  
Mac -

How how how how how did Potter get the glasses back!? We promised McGonagall it would be within the next three weeks, but I thought we'd decided sometime late next. I'll bet you anything it was that fourth year Edie Warren. She's had hots for Potter for years. Bint.

\- Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans,

For your information, not only did Sirius Black hold me at wandpoint, but James Potter threatened to pin me to the wall by my bra if I did not return your glasses. Kindly refrain from referring to me as a 'bint', bint.

Warren

  
:: :: ::

  
Warren -

Stop intercepting letters addressed to me. And Lily would like to know the whereabouts of her owl, bint.

Macdonald

  
:: :: ::

  
MacDonald--

She's see her owl when she apologises to me, in person, on bended knee, preferably with a sonnet.

\--Warren

  
:: :: ::

  
Warren -

Sounds to me like James isn't the one you've got hots for.

MacDonald

  
:: :: ::

  
MacDonald --

You will see your bed when Evans sees her owl.

Who's laughing now?

\-- Warren

  
:: :: ::

  
_Found posted on the board in the Gryffindor common room:_

Due to the shameless antics of certain Gryffindor students - most notably the theft of Mr. Potter's glasses, the theft of the seventh year boys' shoes and certain seventh year girls' personal items, the removal of Ms. MacDonald's bed from her dormitory, the interception of mail sent by Ms. Evans, the mysterious appearance of an astonishing amount of daisies causing Ms. MacDonald to break out into hives, and certain charms placed on Mr. Potter's glasses so that each time he speaks orange bubbles are emitted from his mouth instead - all students will be exempt from first period classes tomorrow and will meet in the commonroom for a House meeting.

Professor M. McGonagall

  
:: :: ::

  
Dear Professors Sprout and Flitwick:

As you have both taught me for the past seven years, I do not think it is outrageous to assume that you've both noticed that I am hard-working and, all modesty aside, at least intelligent enough to answer a few riddles. While I understand that the Sorting Hat has placed me in Gryffindor for a reason, supposedly some resevoir of bravery, I think it is fair to say that the Sorting Hat failed to take into account the most newfound of all Gryffindor traits: kleptomania. That I am personally bereft of such a 'quirk' clearly isolates me from my dear housemates at the moment, and so I humbly ask that the noble House of either Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw consider adopting me.

Sincerely,  
Remus Lupin

  
:: :: ::

  
Messr. Moony,

Messrs. Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail would like to inform Messr. Moony that they had, earlier today, caught sight of a draft of a letter addressed to the Heads of houses Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Our concerns are threefold:

1) That you would consider becoming a Hufflepuff.

2) That you had written a first draft at all. (Seriously, Remus? Seriously?)

3) That you are being THE WORST MARAUDER EVER.

We kindly request an explanation for Messr. Moony's treason.

Sincerely,  
Messrs. Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail

  
:: :: ::

  
Messrs Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail,

Mr. Moony would like to respond to accusations of treachery with three short rebuttals:

1) While Ravenclaw is far preferable, Hufflepuff is a much better alternative to Slytherin, home of the inbred and idiotic, and therefore a reasonable fall-back. Every good plan must have a fall-back, which may in fact be news to Messrs Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail, as they are not particularly familiar with the characteristics of a good plan.

2) The accusation of "worst Marauder ever" would in fact be more hurtful were it not to come from:  
a. Mr. Wormtail, incapable of existing without a pair of shoes and not injuring himself severely,  
b. Mr. Prongs, incapable of existing without a pair of glasses and not injuring himself severely, and  
c. Mr. Padfoot, incapable of solving a situation without first worsening it tenfold.

3) You are all bloody idiots.

Sincerely,  
Mr. Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Mr Moony,

Mr Padfoot grudgingly accepts such censure, and sends with this letter a curse. Enjoy the boils.

Messr Padfoot, with help from Messrs Prongs and Wormtail

  
:: :: ::

  
Mr. Padfoot,

Mr. Moony would like to congratulate you on finally mastering a curse we learned in third year, although, from the way your previous letter was addressed, it seems you had help, and presents his gratitude, for he does not spend nearly enough time in the hospital wing as it already is.

Mr. Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans,

While typically we do not consort with Mudbloods, we must present our compliments - you have effectively brought chaos and destruction to your own House in a manner that we have never managed. The formerly united force that is Gryffindor seems to have crumbled from within, and you are most assuredly the cause of such deterioration. As an inside job, it is has been quite effective, and we recognize after all that perhaps old Sluggy is right; were your blood not so filthy, maybe you would make a worthy Slytherin. We thank you also for such a hand in our quest for the Quidditch Cup; you might even be considered an honorary Beater.

Most sincerely, the undersigned:  
Montgomery Mulciber, Antonin Dolohov, Andrei Avery, Barty Crouch, Alecto Carrow &amp; Regulus Black

  
:: :: ::

  
We would all like to express similar gratitude for giving our noble house an even nobler cause for which to put aside our differences and reunite once more. Do let us know how Madam Pomfrey responds to the sudden presence of six slugs in her hospital wing.

Lily Evans  
Mary MacDonald  
James Potter  
Sirius Black  
Remus Lupin  
Peter Pettigrew  
Edie Warren  
Jonas Warren  
Frank Longbottom  
Yvonne Spinnet  
Grace Wood  
Kirley Duke  
Gwenog Jones

  
:: :: ::

  
To the students of Hufflepuff house:

Seriously, how is it Slytherin and Gryffindor always get all the glory when they're all morons?

Sincerely,  
Prefects Marlene McKinnon, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore, &amp; Marius Edgecome  
on behalf of the students of Ravenclaw

  
:: :: ::

  
Minerva,

Oughtn't you step in rather soon? This whole shenanigan has gotten rather out of hand, I think; it was amusing, at first, but let's be honest, it's gotten ludicrous. Added to the every day squabbles, injuries and hexes I've now got six Slytherin students turned into slugs (apparently due to a letter that offended Gryffindor's camaraderie), I've dealt with several foot issues, Ms. Warren and Ms. Macdonald have been sparring off in the hallways, Mr. Lupin is covered in boils (as if the boy doesn't have enough health issues as is), I've yet to find the counter-curse to the (rather clever) curse put on Mr. Potter's glasses, and I feel certain that once I've healed the Slytherins, there will be an upsurge in Gryffindor injuries. I've got my hands full, Minerva, you must do something. I know Albus finds this all very amusing, but Albus is -- well, his sense of humour is a little off, and I expected more from you, at least. Please?

Poppy

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs,

You know the rest of the school is mocking us? I say karmic retribution's about to kick some ass. What say you?

Padfoot

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

Bring it on.

Prongs

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus -

I was happy to hear you'll be out of the hospital wing this afternoon, and I just wanted to ask you a favor. Potter's giving me the silent treatment (well, other than the orange bubble bit), so would you tell him I'm willing to negotiate the return of his speech?

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily,

What? I'm sorry, it would seem my vision is suddenly as impaired as James'. Somehow I seemed to have misread your last letter in a way that allowed me to misconstrue that you are sincerely upset that James is not speaking to you and wish me to act as a moderator to somehow change this development. Why, one might almost think it's as though you've missed having him jabber away at you incessantly!

How sincerely strange what the brain will cook up when you are confined in a hospital wing thanks to three great prats!

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs,

I've been itching to find use for some of that Muggle motor oil that I use for my bike. Magicked, of course. I'm pondering something flammable. I haven't quite yet thought this through thoroughly (alliteration is our friend), but I have in mind a vague picture of purple flames and some sort of utilization of tangerines and/or other citrus perishables. Also, I might add, I have spotted Bertram Aubrey snickering at me every time I turn the corner. This does not sit well with me.

Cheers,  
Padfoot

  
:: :: ::

  
Poppy,

This morning I discovered that the pupils of Slytherin House had transfigured my office into a glen (I suspect Zonko's assistance). To put a stop to the sparrings now would mean that Gryffindor House was admitting defeat.

I do hope that you understand. After all, you were once a Gryffindor yourself!

Minerva

  
:: :: ::

  
Dearest Minerva,

Despite how much I have tried to avoid doing this, things have turned preposterous. My office has been turned into a Gryffindor loving office, and I am finding it difficult to find the humour in it. That's not it either, oh no, for when do the Gryffindors ever stop? Now my bed is missing just like my underwear. If we could please come up with something about these children before I go ballistic, it'd be very appreciated.

Horace

  
:: :: ::

  
My dearest Horace,

I am terribly sorry that your favourite purple bathrobe was coloured a decidedly more delightful scarlet, but I'm afraid this is out of my hands. After all, I surely had no part in this, and I couldn't possibly imagine who could be beside this. As such, I find it impossible to apologise for such a blessing, and really must suggest some gold slippers to go with your new robe.

Cheers,  
Minerva

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans -

LOOK AT THE ANARCHY YOU HAVE CAUSED.

Honestly. After all those years of lecturing us, you've achieved more mass-discontent than we ever managed. I'm almost impressed, except that I'm still thoroughly annoyed.

Also, saw your letter to Remus. HA HA HA. OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN. Rest assured that we are carefully timing our revelation of said news so as to optimize its hilarity.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot -

Don't make me intercept more of your letters. And stop baiting her - do you want her to curse my glasses so something even worse happens? Obviously I can't give into this "negotiation" - she'll probably have me doing all her and her mates' homework for the rest of the year - but something must be done. A Marauder meeting tonight is greatly needed. Tell Remus and Peter.

Prongs

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs,

You, my good man, are one whipped son-of-a-bitch.

(Alright, so your mother is actually quite a pleasant woman; my accusation stands.)

Truthfully,  
Padfoot

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

Prongs asked me to tell you not to make advances towards his mother.

Yours,  
Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Moony -

As I'm not speaking to Padfoot for fear of his reverse-pedophile instincts, and your advice tends to be better anyway, how does Veritaserum sound? I'm sure Slughorn's got some in his stores, and slipping it into Evans' pumpkin juice would be dead simple, really.

Prongs

  
:: :: ::

  
James

Under no circumstances, even the present dire ones, do I condone the drugging of the Head Girl. Hypothetically, if I were of looser moral standings, I would agree that stealing Veritaserum would be undoubtedly easy, an open door to all your inquiries, but I do warn you that slipping truth serum into her juice would probably irritate her more than any of Sirius' recently-intercepted jibes.

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Potter

I have no idea how your letter ended up in my dorm, but if you do do such thing like put Veritaserum on my pumpkin juice I assure you, it won't be just your glasses that will be missing.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
James,

Why would you actually need new glasses? Somehow the story about the rampaging Hippogriff herd was not particularly believable.

-Dad

  
:: :: ::

  
James -

Mary told me what happened. Sorry to hear about your glasses, mate, but I did tell you the Veritaserum was no good. And why exactly didn't you use the cloak? There was no way Evans would have caught you then.

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Dad

Please. New pair of glasses. The Hippogriffs are actually tougher than I would've ever imagined. Especially if one of them has reddish hair.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Mary,

There will be no bargaining with Potter - I've destroyed all the evidence.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Mr Potter

I know you are trying to raise your only child in a way he has to take care of his own actions and has to deal with the consequences, but I beg you sir, please get him some new glasses. I don't think I will keep myself from strangling him if he keeps on mistaking us with walls.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius,

As long as he's up front about the real reason he needs them, I'll be willing to make a donation. The hippogriff story isn't cutting it, and there's continuity issues in it - hippogriffs don't have red hair.

Charlus Potter

  
:: :: ::

  
Mr Potter,

It's because he's too ashamed to admit that he is a whipped ponce who has had his glasses stolen by the apple of his eye.

Hopefully this clears up matters.

Sincerely,  
Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius -

Ahem, exactly how long have my melted glasses been sitting on my bedside table? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
James -

Far too long. You are both blind and oblivious, evidently.

Also I have taken the liberty of informing your father that by "rampant Hippogriff attack" you actually meant "I am a huge nancy boy and I do not know how to deal with girls, please send me glasses so I can go back to staring wistfully at Lily Evans' arse". Hopefully this will help resolve the issue. Thank me later.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius -

I'm doing my best to retrieve your wand from James.

Peter

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs, Wormtail and Padfoot,

You're all idiots.

Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Moony -

Come downstairs. Evans has finally lost it. You'll see.

Pete

  
:: :: ::

  
Moony,

That we may be, but you can't deny that we are your favourite idiots.

Peter is useless. Help me get my wand back? Clearly James is the cause of all our strife, so don't even think of defending him.

Padfoot

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

It's poking out of his back pocket. I don't think you'll have much trouble distracting him, Lily eating his face off and all. So...what exactly happened while I was upstairs?

Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus

I HAVE NO IDEA IT IS LIKE I AM WITNESSING SOME KIND OF COLLISION OF THE PLANETS. I FEAR THE END IS NEAR. TELL MY MOTHER I HATED HER.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius,

I think Pete's just gone numb with shock. Here's your wand.

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus,

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Mary

  
:: :: ::

  
Mary,

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius,

I address this to you primarily because it seems James is to occupied to take any of the following threat seriously. However, as Lily's friend, I feel it is my duty to inform you that if for some unfathomable reason James decided to abandon his genius plan of Veritaserum in favour of AMORTENTIA, I will have to kill him on her behalf.

Mary

  
:: :: ::

  
Professor Dumbledore,

It seems as if you have an eye in each corner of the castle, so I decided it would be okay to ask you. Did the rumours that reach my ears involving one James Potter and one Lily Evans are true?

Professor McGonagall

  
:: :: ::

  
Mary,

Seeing as James tends to check his thicker plans with Remus, Peter, and I before executing them, I don't think that's the case. I would, however, be willing to venture to the empty glass that seems to be in front of Evans and execute several test sniffs.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Mr Potter!

~~I am pleased to inform you that after seventeen years, it would seem your only son has finally grown a pair and snogged his Head Girl counterpart/the apple of his eye/the glasses thief/his red-headed Hippogriff of love. I am no longer sure an extra pair of glasses will be necessary because I think he intends to spend the rest of eternity engaged in activities in which good eyesight is not a requirement, although it may be preferred~~

SIRIUS YOU UNGRATEFUL ARSE I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN DESPERATE WANT OF FOOD AND SHELTER I AM GOING TO LOCK MY DOORS AND WINDOWS AND EAT FEASTS WHILE LAUGHING AS YOU STAND ALONE AND HUNGRY IN THE RAIN YOU PATHETIC SOD

James

  
:: :: ::

  
James -

Your threat would be far more terrifying if, you know, I wasn't eighteen and hadn't had my own place for almost two years. By the way, you might want to look into some shock therapy for Wormtail. I don't think the poor kid's ever seen snogging before.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

Whatever you say, I am sure there will come another time when you are sad and destitute and "OH WISE, BENEVOLENT, BRAVE FRIEND OF MINE, PLEASE HELP ME, I SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY ON MOTORBIKES AND PROSTITUTES BECAUSE NO WOMAN WILL HAVE ME, AND NOW I AM LIVING OUT OF A BOX, PLEASE EXTEND YOUR HAND OF GENEROSITY ONCE MORE" and I will RELISH the opportunity to turn you away. RELISH. Like the condiment.

Also Peter would like me to inform you that he has PARTAKEN in snogging, it was simply the shock of seeing Lily and I TOGETHER that nearly blew his poor little mind. Actually now that i write it I realize that is kind of an insult, so for the record I am adding him to my list of 'do not help when homeless and alone'.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs,

When exactly are you going to tell us how this came about?

Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus,

Probably when I decide you aren't all great prats.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily,

Please tell me the latest rumours aren't true. Have you lost your mind? ~~I am going to kill him.~~

Severus

  
:: :: ::

  
Mary,

Will you please stop looking at me like I've committed high treason? It just... happened, alright? ~~It's about time the unresolved sexual tension was, well, resolved.~~

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily,

~~So, er, how's life going for~~

From here on, what exactly is going

Do you think maybe

So, where exactly do we stand right now?

James

  
:: :: ::

  
James

I'm not sure. ~~And since when are we on first name basis?~~

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs,

So. Does that empty bottle of Ogden's I found stashed under the couch of the common room have anything to do with the little session with our precious Lilykins?

You pisser. I KNEW she wouldn't snog you when clear of mind.

Still laughing,  
Padfoot

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

I think James was sincerely offended by your astute blunt last letter. I know you revel in being an arse, but I thought the point of this whole thing was to stop him from being so annoyingly sullen? Insulting his manliness and his obscure-quasi-kind-of-relationship with Lily isn't really, you know, helping the cause.

Plus I don't think Lily was that drunk.

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Mary --

Oh God... I was so drunk...

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily

I ~~hoped~~ thought so. So was he drunk too or merely sober and taking advantage of your inebriation? I'll hope for the former, since the latter seems like solid grounds to hex him into next week and you've not yet done that.

Mary

  
:: :: ::

  
Mac -

I think he was drunk, too. He never argues like that when he's sober, and you really should have seen the row that preceded it.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
~~Lily  
Evans  
Lily Evans~~  
Lily

Er. Do you ~~still~~ hate me ~~now~~?

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius,

~~We weren't drunk.~~ We weren't that drunk. I mean, drunk enough to want it, but not drunk enough to not know what we were doing. Because we definitely did. Know what we were doing, I ~~hope~~ mean. So shut up. And I hate you. Do not talk to me for five to seven days.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
~~James  
Potter~~  
James

No, I don't hate you. I never hated you.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily:

Could have fooled me.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
James

Look, if you want me to explain myself, it'll take a lot more space than this parchment's got.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily

I would advise you either get more parchment or start talking. This has gone on long enough, yeah? ~~And I'm going to kill myself if you don't explain. Now.~~

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Prongs,

Found your letters from your hippogriff of lurrvve.

You saucy little minx.

Fondly,  
Padfoot

P.S. Your nightstand drawer? Not such a good hiding place.  
P.P.S. May I see the next one when you're done with it?

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily

So... have you two decided to reenact every lame love/hate chick-flick on the planet, or what? You know, vicious rows that lead to snogging and first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Lily with a custody lawsuit baby carriage? Do you hate him or just want to shag him or what? The confusion-level in Gryffindor has skyrocketed and I think you sort of owe us some facsimile of explanation.

Mary

  
:: :: ::

  
James

This has gone long enough? Are you even listening to yourself? Look, I don't want to play the part of the spiteful bitch who can't let go of the past, but was it me who attacked your best friend for five years? I'm not overlooking Severus' part in your stupid rivalry - I stopped making excuses for him years ago. It...wasn't the best way to impress me, James, but I never hated you. I knew you could do better.

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans,

You are an infuriating woman, you know that? I was referring merely to this latest of debacles, what with you stealing and hexing my glasses and the rampant kleptomania and drunken snogging that ensued, but congratulations on dredging up the past in an entirely unnecessary manner. Are you even aware of how often you contradict yourself, or is it completely beyond your notice? "I don't mean to be a spiteful bitch, but..." "I didn't hate you, but I do think you're essentially the bottom of the proverbial human barrel.."

Make up your mind, yeah? Let me know if you do.

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Potter

You asked if I hated you. I said no. You asked me to explain. So I did. If you had made it a little more plain it was the glasses you wanted explained, that would have been easy. YOU WERE USING MY BREASTS AS TARGET PRACTICE. NO WOMAN LIKES HER GIRLS BEING COMPARED TO A QUIDDITCH HOOP. AN HOW ON EARTH DID YOU MISCONSTRUE MY LAST LETTER TO THINK THAT I SAID YOU WERE THE BOTTOM OF THE PROVERBIAL HUMAN BARREL?

Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans

I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE SO FIXATED ON THE PAST THAT MY SIMPLE REMARK LEFT YOU COMPLETELY BEFUDDLED. IN THE FUTURE I WILL BE SURE TO SPECIFY, "PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON RE: WHY YOU ACT LIKE YOU HATE ME BUT THEN YOU GET DRUNK AND SNOG ME USING REFERENCES TO EVENTS THAT HAVE OCCURRED ONLY WITHIN THE LAST SIX MONTHS".

Additionally I apologize for throwing ice at your chest. Clearly I mistook you for someone who would not hold a grudge over a childish (and harmless) incident for an OBSCENELY LONG TIME. The fault in that is entirely mine; past evidence does not support that conclusion.

AND HONESTLY DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU? WHEN HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANYTHING while not under the influence of firewhisky TO INDICATE YOU DON'T THINK THAT?

Potter

  
:: :: ::

  
Moony old chap,

Sexual tension, or am I just imagining things? The letters I am intercepting are getting incredibly worked up.

Meethinks this is far to good an opportunity to pass up. Prank time!

Before the lecture, remember... you still owe him one from that highly embarrassing incident I have sworn to never mention.

Pads

  
:: :: ::

  
Potter

You want an explanation for why I snogged you? Let's think...

BECAUSE I BLOODY LIKE YOU.

Evans

  
:: :: ::

  
Evans -

... What? Since when?

~~THIS IS PRECISELY THE SORT OF EXPLANATION I WAS GETTING AT EARLIER~~

James

  
:: :: ::

  
Potter

Since you stopped attacking my best friend, since you and I actually became friendly, and since I saw that you were capable of maturity and decent human emotion. I misjudged you, I made a mistake. Why is it so hard for you to accept that?

Lily

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot,

Woah. Did you read her last letter? I managed to intercept it by offering Odysseus some bacon I stole from the kitchens after Charms. ~~The owl nearly bit my hand off.~~ If you haven't, let me tell you: Lily has practically told James that she fancies him.

I'm thinking the world will explode any minute now.

Moony

  
:: :: ::

  
Lily -

~~Because this is the first time you've ever admitted to said mistake?~~

Well... alright, then. In my defense, Lily, you are a pretty confusing woman to read. Even Remus is perplexed by you sometimes, and he's practically a woman, so it isn't just me.

Anyhow I hardly think it's necessary for me to reinstate that I like you, and this written-medium-thing is bordering on tedium. ~~And I'm pretty sure Sirius has managed to read every single one of these. Fuck you, Padfoot.~~ Shall we work this out face-to-face tonight? Hogsmeade, maybe?

(Yes, I know it's not a Hogsmeade weekend.)

-James

  
:: :: ::

  
S,

HE CALLED ME A WOMAN! Bloody prat.

R

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus and Sirius,

Please tell Peter that, just because Lily and James have, against all odds, gone all lovebirds on us, that does not mean that I will be flattered by badly-written self-singing sonnets he gives to me in the middle of the common room.

Mary

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus,

Well let's be honest, Moony, you are more like a woman than Prongs or me, and mostly more than Pete, and even more than Eleanor Midgen, all things considered. I think it's a fair point.

Sirius

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius,

This. Means. War.

Hope you like them. They're double D's.

Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
My dearest Remus John Lupin, former Marauder, current traitor, and soon-to-be un-Maraudered,

I concede, emperor and conquerer of self, although I must warn you that the depths of my hatred for you knows no bounds. But as such, in thanks due to your new imperial position, I do so hope you enjoyed your 'new clothes', or lack thereof, this morning at breakfast.

~~SUCK ON THAT, BITCH~~  
Cheers!  
Mr Padfoot, invincibly superior

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius -

New style? Longer hair and you'll look just like ~~a thoroughly disproportionate~~ Bella, which I'm sure would thrill both of you.

Regulus

  
:: :: ::

  
Miss Evans,

I understand your need for some time, so I have come to a decision in which I excuse the lack of homework today. You will have to, of course, bring it tomorrow, otherwise, I will have to write it down and, alas, discount some points. However, I do believe you are responsible enough to take advantage of this rare opportunity I am giving you. I know you are really busy with your Head Girl duties and NEWT studies, and I assumed you might also be, er, occupied with other more personal matters as well.

Please kindly inform Mr Potter about this, too, as he is Head Boy as well and might be having trouble with his own personal troubles just like you.

Professor McGonagall

  
:: :: ::

  
Remus -

I don't see how McGonagall thinks rampant animalistic snogging counts as "personal troubles". This is an outrage! Mutiny!

Peter

  
:: :: ::

  
Mr Prongs,

While we appreciate and wholeheartedly congratulate you on having accomplished your life's personal crusade, we are appalled that said accomplishment was enough to divert your attention from the full moon and related activities from which you were absent last night. Mr Moony, having been in such a state as note to notice you absence, has not been informed of this heinous crime, and will only be informed of such if you do not sufficiently repair the broken bonds of fraternity within twenty-four hours. Furthermore, one Marauder's Map will not be returned to you until such an act has been fulfilled.

Dutifully yours,  
Messrs. Padfoot and Wormtail

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius, Peter --

WHAT? HOW -- FUCK -- WHAT - Why didn't you come get me? Fuck! I thought it was next week -- I had patrolling with Lily and I must've forgotten to check ~~because it was with Lily~~ and -- oh, fuck. Shit. Fuck! My vocabulary of obscenities is not large enough to thoroughly express my emotions with regards to this issue! Shit! Did everything go okay? Is he okay? Are you okay, Sirius?

Fuck. I am so sorry, mates, honestly - how am I supposed to make it up to you?

Shit.

~~Eloquently~~  
ETERNALLY REMORSEFUL,  
James

  
:: :: ::

  
Wormtail,

We've got him over a barrel. What do we demand?

Pads

  
:: :: ::

  
Padfoot-

Ooh! I've always fancied his Invisibility Cloak? Think he'd give it to me if we ask meanly enough?

-Wormtail

  
:: :: ::

  
Sirius - No, I don't want to know something you know that I don't if you keep asking me in a sing-song voice.

James - No matter how many bars of chocolate you give me, that guilty look is far too recognizable.

Pete - I refuse to believe James gave you that cloak. It's been in his family for centuries.

Please tell me what the bloody hell is going on.

\- Remus

  
:: :: ::

  
Moony, old buddy, old pal,

I would just like to preface this letter with a reminder of how wonderful and benevolent and forgiving you are, and how blessed I am to consider you one of my dearest friends!

But basically in answer to your question, I might have... kind of... sort of... ...forgotten... about the full moon three days ago, what with Lily and Quidditch and Head Boy duties (WHICH IS NO EXCUSE, I KNOW), and I might have kind of sort of been on patrol with Lily rather than, ah, accompanying you in your time of need. I would naturally have abandoned Head duties had I realized my grievous error, but unfortunately and inexcusably it slipped my mind entirely and Sirius and Peter are evidently too idiotic to think it might be a good idea to come get me.

I realize this is most HORRIBLE treachery and I am deeply abashed and ashamed and apologetic and astounded and lots of other adjectives that start with 'a'. Initially Sirius and Peter offered to keep this a secret, so as to not insult you ~~and also because they're greedy manipulative gits~~ but clearly you are TOO ASTUTE to be tricked, as we should have realized, and honestly is the best policy ~~and I want my Cloak back~~. I only hope you can find it in your heart-of-hearts to forgive me. Please?

Sincerely, regretfully, sorrowfully, et cetera et cetera,  
Prongs

  



End file.
